Dark Side of the Sun

 

**Song and lyrics by Tokio Hotel**

My father, Heero Yuy, told me of my origins when I was middle school. I don’t remember much when I was a baby but it sunk in quite hard on me. Mom was there, well not my biological mother (she’s dead from what dad told me), explaining it in her own motherly way.

My name is Hunter Yuy…I am a test tube baby.

Hello
Hello

I admit I took it pretty hard. I had become a bit of a rebel in my second year of middle school…hung out with the wrong crowd, bullied some of the smaller kids,  when I got suspended my parents intervened.

On the TV, in your face, on radio, oh
It’s a riot, it’s a riot
They say no, oh

Let’s just say I was forbidden to do anything fun for the rest of my life.

I think it was Uncle Quatre that set me straight. When he told me he was just like me, a test tube baby, I felt a weight lift off of me. To think someone else out there was just like me… I would go over to his house almost every week asking so many questions that I think I made his head spin but Uncle Quatre would never ask me to stop…He’s like that.

There was another that I knew I could always talk to in a situation like this and that was Mr. Leon. I had been going to his office twice a week since I was little. He’s really cool, I got to draw pictures and play. As I got older, we would challenge each other in video games…He always beats me in tennis on the WII but I smoke him in Mario Cart. It had been in his office that my family told me I was a test tube baby.

You are frantic, don’t you panic
Let it go, oh
We are, we are, we are

Life had been good after that until my second year of high school. We had another family meeting in Mr. Leon’s office. I figured it was another secret they were going to tell me and this time I was ready….At least…I thought I was…

In the cities, on the streets
Around the globe, oh
They turn everything you love into verbot, oh

Did I mention I have a sister and she was a twin? Yeah her sister, Shannon, died a long time ago from some freak accident. Shannon’s pictures are all over the house…I even went to her grave once with my family…We do that a few times every couple of years.

It was there in Mr. Leon’s office, sitting with my family, that I had discovered the gruesome truth.

I was three years old…when I killed Shannon.

Front the cradle, to the grave
Part of the show, oh
We are, we are, we are
Radio hysteria!

Again…I didn’t take the news very well. This time though, I wanted to run and I did. I ran out of the building, ignoring the screams of ‘stop!’ and ‘wait!’. I just wanted to get away from them all, right then and right there.

Hello, the end is near
Hello, we’re still standing here

The future’s just begun
On the dark side of the sun
On the dark side of the sun

I went to the only person I could think of at that moment, Uncle Quatre. I always felt I could come to him for anything so I took a bus to his home, banged on his high class door.

Hello!
Hello!

It was night by the way, and raining so hard I was creating a puddle on his polished floor when Aunt Crys let me in. She didn’t really complain about me messing up her marble floors, just took my arm and led me upstairs. Uncle Quatre came in a few minutes later and she shooed him away. I couldn’t really understand what they were saying because I was in my own funk at the moment. You would be too if you just found out you offed your sister when you were three years old.

The steaming hot water of the shower felt really good that day. I just stood there as the spray made my skin turn red.

It had to be hard for my mother to raise her daughter’s killer; had to be hard for Abigail to eat next to her sister’s killer at dinner time.

And it had to be hard for my father to witness me do it.

Did my aunts and uncles know? Oh of course they did! Our family was a tight unit. Everyone knew everything about everyone.

All the weapons, in your head under control, oh
With their radars, they are chasing, our soul, oh

I could see it then as the water hit me…my bootie clad feet making little noise on the carpet as I headed towards my sister’s room…The words of that woman rushing through my mind over and over again.

<Kill them, kill them all and daddy will be happy!>

The memory had been suppressed for so long that when it hit me it hit me hard. I was going to kill my sisters first then Danie. Abigail had woken up when I started stabbing Shannon with the sharp point of the scissors I had found in their school bags.

Time is runnin’, but your future is long ago, oh
We are, we are, we are
Radio Hysteria!

 

I upchucked right there in the shower. Uncle Quatre had rushed in because I had been screaming I guess…I honestly don’t remember anything after I threw up.

Even though the next day was sunny and bright, I didn’t feel like getting up from my warm bed. I guess Uncle Quatre and a magunauts put me to bed after I passed out. Still though I didn’t want to see the brightness filtering through the slits in the curtains, I just wanted to remain in the darkness forever. Maybe then I could just forget what I had done.

No, I couldn’t do that. No matter what I was a Yuy…And Yuys faced their problems. So I begrudgingly forced myself out of bed, got dressed and went to find my uncle.

He was downstairs with my father, the two probably talking about me.

Hello, the end is near
Hello, we’re still standing here

They had sensed me because their gazes came to me. I was a bit hesitant on my way down the stairs, but I made it amongst their stares.

“Hunter…” My uncle spoke up first, his voice kind of light despite the situation. He always did that to me and to everyone else I think…one word from Uncle Quatre and you were calmer than the seas on a good day.

“Your father wants to take you somewhere.” My uncle had explained. “He wants to take you to see Shannon.”

The mere thought of her name made me want to crawl back into bed but that would be a cowardly thing to do. I always wanted to be as strong as my father, like a rock he is.

I nodded and Heero and I took his car to the cemetery where Shannon was buried. It was a very tense ride to be sure. Nothing could have broken the silence between us then.

The future’s just begun
On the dark side of the sun

 

When I stood before the tombstone of my late sister, I could barely breathe. I had been here before but this time it felt as though I was disgracing her memory. What was I supposed to do? Sorry didn’t cut it because what I had done was unthinkable. Mr. Leon always said things are never my fault but…I just couldn’t shake it off.

I guess me being a test tube baby was the reason why my father and I look alike, almost like twins. Did I have his thoughts as well? Mom and dad told us about the war; about all the things my father did…Did I have his mercenary tendencies? Were they given to me by my biological mother? Why would anyone bring the perfect soldier back?

On the dark side of the sun
On the dark side of the sun
On the dark side of the sun

“It hurts…for a while…” Heero’s voice brought me from my musings. To this day as I stare at him I see a man who has been through a lot in his life. Heero had his hands in his pockets, his blue eyes glued to the tombstone before us. “The first kill always sticks with us, even when we’ve grown.”

First kill? Oh yeah, it isn’t like my father hadn’t killed anyone in the past.

“Do you…remember yours?” I asked hesitantly.

“Yes…My first accidental one especially.” His arms had crossed then. “It was the beginning of the war. I had blown up a base but at a cost…” His eyes closed. “I killed an innocent girl and her dog in the process.” Our blue eyes met. “You have to look past this, Hunter…we all have and we know it wasn’t your fault. The person to blame is dead now…That’s all that matters.”

I frowned. “But…what if it happens again?” I shook my head. “I don’t want to harm you, or mom or Abigail…Or Josie…”

“And you won’t with those thoughts in your mind. As long as you remember who you want to protect, you won’t harm those you love.”

 

Who I wanted to protect…Who I loved, cared for even.

“We should head back home now…your mom and sisters are worried.”

Home…Could it really be home now?

Will you stand the pain
When I’m by your side
Will you follow me into the night?

Is this what my father had to feel? Scared knowing he could harm those he cared for without a single thought? How did he deal with it? How can he live with this feeling every day?

 

When we arrived home, when I stepped into the house, my mother instantly hugged me.

They’re not gonna get us
We’ll be alright
And one day the dark side will shine

I didn’t really say anything to her, just hugged her back then went to my room for the night. I needed to think about this…Mr. Leon always said to analyze every feeling you have and decide which feeling is good or bad. Banish the bad feelings and let the good feelings flourish. It was just a matter of finding them.

For us
For us

 

Right now I really didn’t have any good feelings to hold on to. I was angry that my parents had kept this from me for so long. I was angry at myself that I had given them grief. I could never repay the life I had taken…Never get back the innocence I had lost.

The very next day I went to Mr. Leon’s office without my parents or my sister. I asked him if he had known I was a killer all along and he said he had. He explained the reason why I come to him was because I had to be deprogrammed, which is why I was never told I had killed my sister. He said I could have relapsed if I had been told before now. Then he asked me how I felt and I told him I was angry.

That day he let me trash his office top to bottom. I broke tables, chairs, even a window…all while he watched me carefully.

Hello, the end is near
Hello, we’re still standing here

When I had calmed down, my father’s words came back to me.

<Remember who you want to protect…>

I wanted to protect my family. I wanted to protect them from the inner me that had practically demolished Mr. Leon’s office. The demon that had destroyed our family once, I would turn it on those who try to harm my family.

The future’s just begun

That was my final visit to Mr. Leon’s office.

On the dark side of the sun
On the dark side of the sun
On the dark side of the sun
On the dark side of the sun